A conversation with Kate Vigo, Health Promotion Project Coordinator at GenWest
Humans are designed to connect with other humans, we need relationships for our happiness, safety, fulfillment and emotional and mental wellbeing.
Our relationships with others are often the most important part of life.
But how do we know if our relationships are healthy? And what can we do to create healthy relationships? I sat down with Kate to learn more.
*A lot of our conversation is centred around romantic relationships, but most of what we talk about can be applied to all different relationships in our lives.
What does a healthy relationship look and feel like?
Healthy relationships have two important qualities:
- There is an equal power balance between both people.
- Each person has autonomy (autonomy is the right to make your own choices).
Healthy relationships feel like two people being able to communicate their needs and boundaries in a way that’s caring, safe and supported. You both respect each other’s boundaries and at the same time feel understood, free and confident to make your own choices, and safe to be yourself.
What are boundaries?
The zone that separates things that make you feel good and things that don’t make you feel good.
Boundaries are helpful because they keep us safe, and they let other people know how to interact with us. We need to understand ourselves and what we want or don’t want in order to understand and communicate our boundaries to others.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
Brene Brown
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
Brene Brown
What do healthy relationships sound like?
Good communication is about lots of listening and talking and using ‘I’ language instead of ‘you’ language. This is when each person identifies their own feelings and communicates them, it stops the other person feeling blamed and can help to reach a resolution.
For example, “I felt, when I heard” rather than “you made me feel this when you said this.” It takes a lot of practice to get it right!
What are some things that can negatively affect a relationship?
Watch out for gender stereotypes! They can come in to play in our relationships and can be harmful. Gender stereotypes assign certain qualities as ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine.’ For example, masculine qualities might be things like being dominant, being in control, being strong, and not showing emotion. Feminine qualities might be seen as being submissive, weakness, and being emotional.
Gender stereotypes are socially constructed which means they have nothing to do with biology. They are not “natural” but are created by the society and culture that we live in.
For example, an Australian survey found that 1 in 3 Australians think it is natural for a man to want to appear in control of his partner in front of his male friends (NCAS, 2017). This suggests that there is social pressure on boys and men to be in control in relationships.
If ‘being emotional’ is a stereotype assigned to women and not men, it can create stigma around a woman or girl communicating her emotions. It can be dismissed as “she’s just emotional because she’s a girl.”
Men and boys might not be taught to communicate their emotions and made fun of when they do, because it can be seen as “not manly.”
These rigid gender stereotypes are harmful to everyone.
To communicate well and have a healthy relationship, we need to connect with our emotions and feelings, so we can identify our boundaries and communicate them to our partner and the people in our lives.
Rigid gender stereotypes can affect individual relationships in a negative way. Being aware of gender stereotypes can be helpful in making sure that we don’t fall into unequal gender roles unconsciously.
In a healthy relationship:
- Both people are in control of themselves
- Both people make their own choices about their bodies and their lives
- Both people have emotions and can express their feelings
- Both people are equal
What are some characteristics of an unhealthy relationship?
Unequal power and control over someone.
It can look normal from the outside, but it can result in one person being pressured to do things that they don’t want to do. For example, a partner who tells you to dress a certain way, or tells you when you can and can’t see your friends.
Unhealthy relationships can make you feel worried or unsafe communicating your needs or boundaries. You might not feel understood or feel scared. Sometimes there is violence involved, which is when one person harms the other person physically, emotionally or sexually.
Poor communication might sound like one person talking a lot more, one or both people might use an aggressive communication style and not listen to each other.
It takes practice but we can learn how to be better communicators.
Take a time out if you or your partner are overwhelmed and not communicating the way you want to be
Some people might have trouble expressing and understanding their emotions. Brene Brown has a book called ‘Atlas of the Heart about’ the eighty-seven emotions that we all need to communicate our human experience.
Does this look different in LGBTIQ+ relationships?
These concepts are universal for all healthy relationships. Equal power balance and autonomy (each person making their own choices) are fundamental to any healthy relationship.
In relationships with LGBTIQ+ people, she same principles apply but it might look a bit different. Some examples of unhealthy relationship characteristics in queer relationships can be:
- Devaluing gender expression, pressuring partner to look more masculine or feminine.
- ‘Outing’ or threatening to ‘out’ people as lesbian, gay, or transgender if they are not public.
- Gender stereotypes can still come into play in LGBTQI+ relationships because gender is a social construct (and not biological). In LGBTQIA+ relationships we can still fall into these stereotyped roles:
- Masculine – dominant
- Feminine – submissive
How do I know if I’m in a healthy relationship?
You will know that you are in a healthy relationship if:
- You feel confident and safe to communicate your needs
- You can explore your boundaries safely
- You feel understood and heard
- You listen to your partner’s feelings and needs
- You accept and respect when your partner says ‘no’
- You feel confident to make your own choices – about how you look, who you see, self-care etc.
- You have autonomy
- You feel you can be yourself
What can I do if I think a friend of mine is in an unhealthy relationship?
- You can encourage them to get professional support if they feel they need it, such as calling 1800RESPECT
- You can sit with them while they call a support-line if they want you to
- You can listen to them and validate their experience
- Believe them
- Respect their choices – to stay or leave the relationship. Don’t judge them, pressure them or get frustrated if they aren’t making the choices that you would.
Is arguing okay in a relationship?
Arguments are a normal part of relationships. When we feel intense emotions it can be hard to communicate in a healthy way.
The Gottman Method suggests that if things start getting heated, you can make an effort to observe that you are feeling flooded with intense emotion (which makes it hard to think and be rational) and say “I’m feeling flooded right now. I need to take 10 minutes to regulate”.
People can also feel angry or frustrated if they don’t feel heard. Taking turns to play the role of listener and speaker is a good idea.
Using physical violence or threatening to use violence in an argument is never okay. If you or your partner use violence or are worried for the safety of yourself or others, you can call 1800RESPECT. There is also a Men’s referral service called No to Violence.
What are the most important things to remember?
We want to be in relationships where there is an equal power balance and where each person feels free to make their own choices. We want to avoid being in unequal relationships where one person has control over the other person.
Gender stereotypes often give more power and control to one gender. When we fall into stereotypes that are based on our gender in romantic relationships, they can become unequal and sometimes, unsafe.
Sometimes we may not be aware that this is happening. Because of social norms, it might seem normal for one person to do all the housework and the other person to earn money and make the decisions, but this is not equal. It helps us to understand what gender equality is and how it impacts all of us, to avoid unconsciously falling into gender roles.
It’s important to know what feels right for you and respect what feels right or wrong to your partner. Knowing and respecting your own personal boundaries and your partner’s boundaries is important in achieving equal power and autonomy in the relationship. Knowing and practicing healthy communication can help.
In a healthy relationship, we allow each other to be ourselves and support each other to make our own choices. These things are vital if we want to be in equal and respectful relationships.
